by David McMillan, Fred Lefkin & Karri Waasler The Current,  UMSL Student Newspaper      ©   1998

     Now, we don't want to get off on a fake rant but when did muscles trump brains in the scheme of recognition?
           Sports, sports, sports.   We can never seem to get away from it.   Our own predisposition to mental discipline has always given us reason to question sports & why so many Americans spend their lives watching them.    We agree we've got it:   It's entertainment that doesn't force anyone to *think*.   As male citizens of this society, it's been thrust upon David & Fred they must *love* sports & disassociate themselves with all things "girlie."   We think testosterone-enhanced among us go thru more indoctrination before age of ten than Fidel Castro's entire regime could muster.   We're told from Day One that "thinking" is for "nerds," and true men will show muscle by breaking the record for how long one can say "Duuuuuhh" to a question & wedgies to every guy who gives a crap about education.   People upon which we bestow the crown of worthiness are athletes.    After all, they're just better people, aren't they?  

          American schools value athletes as top priorities.  American schools are also the dumbest in the world.   Coincidence?    Japanese kids could hardwire Pentagon computer systems..  meanwhile, our kids are struggling to plug them in.   Our schools are at the bottom of the collective barrel & it shows.  That's why this is the only country where one gets points for putting one's name on paper.  Our kids get grades lower than Ethiopian goat milk.  Who's at the top of our educational hierarchy?    All-powerful athletes, who hit balls with more spin than a Bush autobiography & jump so high they bump into constellations.    Who came up with this system?   The intellectually void are raised to the level of gods & those who actually put a little effort into school are geeks?   "Yeah, Billy Joe McClanahan couldn't even wipe his own ass with his algebra test but he can sure put that ball into that hole!"   What kind of example is that?    "Do good in school, if you have time after the game."   Fred just got an "A" on a trig exam & got a beating in bathroom administered by Alex & his Clockwork Orange druggies.  Meanwhile, on the other end of school, brain-dead jock threw an inflated ball into a hoop & gets hailed like Zoroaster walking the mountain to share God's divine will with us all. (NOTE: As you can see, we've got a a bone to pick)   Sports are only entertainment.  

       But what happens when you fill an entire stadium with half the American population, willing to pay astronomical prices & chanting for favorite group of sweaty men?   Then, my friend, you have a gathering more pointless than Fight Club.   Because when the game is over, what has been accomplished?   NOTHING.  The only thing that changed was the weight of players' wallets.   These people charge fees so high we expect to not only see them dunk the basketball but heal the blind.    Isn't the same true of a concert?   Art exhibition?   No.  Music, art & literature change people's minds, their hearts & teach them about themselves.  They get you in touch with spirituality & expand your mind.  The only thing sports teach you is:  winning is the most important.  Along with that, you may experience some new fragrances.  There's nothing as stinky as a locker room.   Odors resembling Sumo wrestlers dissecting a batch of rats.   Sports have their roots in ancient, barbaric festivals where brawn got the spotlight & brains got the shaft.  Men fought to the death in front of crowds of cheering bullies.    One difference is they didn't have SUVs to tip over after the game.    This "do or die" attitude about sports is the descendent of archaic displays of primitive stupidity.    Now, we're not talking about a game of golf with Reginald Chatterly III or an intense ping pong rivalry.    Most sports are harmless (unless Ray Lewis is involved) but consider the gaping lack of creativity and productivity they inspire.      It is a game.    We can't help but laugh when we hear a coach tell a player, "Stop playing games & get in there!"   

          Look, we'll be the first to admit that if we were put on the field with Joe Montana, we'd panic like Dennis Miller without a thesaurus.   Sports still revolve around a transitory ability to physically do something.  Great minds should at least get equal time.   In this country, we'd give Mark McGuire three million to sign a baseball & have a young Albert Einstein working the Fry-o-Later at Burger King.  The iniquity is disturbing.   Our bodies get overworked and our textbooks get used less than Gene Shallit's mustache trimmer.  Everything has to be postponed, reworked & configured so that a select portion of the population can watch "the game."  If this much attention were given to the teaching of basic math skills, this country's average test scores would at least be on par with, say, Antarctica.  After all, it's extremely difficult to enrich your children with the message that brain power=success if his heroes are getting 25 million per season to throw a ball & occasionally abuse their spouses.  Bobby Knight.  What the hell is this asshole doing in civilized society?   Isn't throwing chairs for a normal reason enough?    No, he throws chairs & strangles people because they failed to throw a ball into a hole enough times.  How does this make the rest of the staff at IU feel?   There isn't a place for that in political science.  "OK class, tomorrow I will expect your papers on Jeffersonian politics and..  what's that?!   Roberts?!   Are you doing your English homework instead of listening to my lecture?     Come here & let me beat your ass, you son of a whore!"   Golf.   An activity with excitement.   It's beyond us why Tiger Woods is being used as some way of getting "young people" into golf.   It moves slower than a fast food drive thru with Mexican employees who can't speak English on a Friday night.   We know they say God watches everything but even the Almighty takes a bathroom break during this event.   So let's have a national sports colonic in this society & get rid of this pointless religion.   And when we elect to deify a particular sports figure, let's review his values & make sure he isn't the living version of Stalin's Id, mmmmmm'kay?